Unburdened Exiles: How to Check in and Deepen the Work

Unburdening exiles through Internal Family Systems therapy can be a transformative process. However, checking in with them after the unburdening is crucial to deepening the work done in therapy.

The check-in is done with an exile that has already been unburdened. The process of unburdening involves the exile coming to a safe place and releasing the beliefs and emotions it has been carrying as a result of something that has happened in the past. If you've made contact with an exile but they are still in the scene/memory of what happened, wait until your next therapy session before connecting with the exile, as they haven't been fully healed yet.

Purpose of the check in

Checking in with an exile involves closing your eyes, going inside and checking how the part is doing. The purpose of the check-in is to make sure the part is still feeling fine and to reinforce the work that was done during the therapy session.

The check-ins also help with strengthening the relationship with your Self and the part. It gives the part the important experience of knowing that someone is there for them and cares for them, perhaps in ways that they haven't experienced before.

I recommend my clients to check in with the part every day until our next therapy session. The check in can be as short as a couple of minutes. I recommend building a simple practice that works for you, rather than a lengthy process that you might not be able to follow through with.

Check-in steps

Go inside

Sit or lay down somewhere comfortable and close your eyes. See if you can return back to the scene where you left the exile. Normally this is a safe place that the exile chose for themselves, either real or imaginary. If you're not visual, you can use conscious touch to connect with the exile, such as your hand on your heart. You can also just see if you sense the exile’s presence somewhere in your body or around you.

Check for Self energy

When you see or sense the exile, check how you're feeling towards them. If there are other parts present, ask them to give you some space. The goal is to have some Self energy present before you connect with the part. Self energy often takes the form of feeling compassionate or curious towards the exile.

Spend time with the part

Once you feel some Self energy in your system, let the part know that you are there to check in on them and ask them how they are feeling. See if you can listen to them and validate their experience.

You can then ask the part if there's anything they need from you. It could be to be there and listen, to give them a hug or to do something fun together.

Questions to ask:

• How are you feeling?

• Is there anything you need from me?

Some of our exiles may be young infants who cannot talk yet. Pay attention to how they're showing up; are they calm and happy or are they crying or fearful? See if you can be truly present with the part, showing it the Self energy you're feeling towards it and letting it communicate with you any way that it can, for example through emotions or images.

Say goodbye

Once the check-in feels complete, you can let the part know that you will come back and visit them again the next day before saying goodbye.

What to do if you’re having difficulty going inside

Going inside and being with our parts outside therapy sessions can sometimes be tricky. If you don’t feel a strong connection with the exile, there are usually other parts that are blending in.

If your parts are not willing to relax back for you to go inside, it’s possible to connect with the exile through an activity. Think of what you enjoyed doing or what felt comforting to you around the age your exile is, and see if you can keep the part in mind as you do that activity.

Alternatively, if you have a sense of where the exile is in your body, you can place a hand to that part of your body and let the part know you know that they’re there and that you’re thinking of them.

What to do if the exile is in distress or has been re-triggered

It’s possible that the exile has not had a chance to share everything that happened during the traumatic event and may start sharing more things with you during the check-in. The exile may have also been re-triggered by something traumatic that has happened right after the work you did with them.

If you feel enough Self energy present in your system, you can see if you can take the exile to a safe place, where they can wait for the next therapy session.

You may sense desperation from the exile to be helped immediately, or you may sense other parts wanting to go in and rescue the exile. Let all the parts know that in order to help them properly, we need to do it in a safe way. Usually this is during a therapy session with a therapist that can guide you and hold space for all your parts.