Navigating Challenges in IFS Therapy from the Therapist’s Lens
In this article I've compiled some common challenges I have seen when doing IFS therapy and my ways of addressing them.
One thing I love about IFS is that we don't need to have all the answers for our clients. If there is a moment during therapy where I feel unsure where to focus, I ask my client what feels right for them to do in this moment instead of trying to figure it out for them. I believe this strengthens people's ability to follow their own inner wisdom and guidance over time.
The part doesn't speak
It is common to meet parts that don't want to communicate with us. The part might be hiding or keeping its distance, and refusing to answer any questions. The first step for me as a practitioner is to check my own and my client's Self energy. The part might not want to talk to us if we are blended with another part, especially if this part is critical or frustrated with the part we're trying to get to know.
It is also good to check if the part would like to communicate in another way. Some parts might prefer communicating by sharing images, feelings, sensations or memories. Some of our parts are preverbal, and we can invite those parts to share information in any way that feels natural to that part.
Self energy helps us to be okay with whatever is happening in the moment. When we're in Self and we're with a part that doesn't want to communicate with us, there is actually no problem to solve. Together with my client, we see if we can just be with that part, showing that we're not going to try to force it to speak, and letting it get used to our presence.
When we're able to truly be in Self, without any agenda, this creates a safe container for the part to start to trust us. This kind of relationship-building is sometimes much more effective than jumping right into a protector interview where we ask the part questions about its role.
The part doesn't trust Self
Some parts might be meeting Self for the first time and need time to get used to this completely new way of interaction. We can spend time with the part and showing it that we feel compassion, curiosity or any other quality of Self-energy towards it. It's important to check with the part how it feels or reacts as it's sensing Self energy from the client, either by asking the part directly or by observing it. The key is to take it slow and make sure the part knows it doesn't need to do anything it doesn't want to, including speaking with us.
Sometimes it's helpful to check what the part thinks me and the client are trying to do. The part may be concerned that we're trying to convince it to step down from its role or to change in some way. If the part doesn't want to speak, I might name of these common concerns and reassure the part that we have no hidden agenda, but just want to get to know it.
Parts may have had experiences of Self not being present when they needed it. With these parts, we need to work on building enough trust for them to feel like it's safe to be with and rely on Self. Sometimes it's helpful for the client and the part to understand that it wasn't that the client's Self who abandoned the part, but that other parts, with their own desire to protect, blocked the client's access to Self energy. When we're in Self, we are able to genuinely apologise to parts for not being there when they needed us.
The exile is distant or doesn't trust the client's Self
If there is physical or emotional distance between the client and the exile, I check for the presence of any parts that may have concerns about getting close to the exile. We'll hear out those parts and address their concerns, while making sure they know that we won't move forward until we have their permission.
At this point, if the client has some Self energy, I ask them to get closer to the exile and seeing how the exile reacts. Often just getting physically closer to the exile, perhaps putting a hand on their shoulder if the exile is open to that, helps with the emotional distance as well.
The exile may feel unsafe because of what it has been through in the past or because of the situation it is still stuck in. Through being in Self with the exile, we can start showing the exile that it is safe with us and we can slowly start building trust with it. We do this the same way as I've described above with parts that don't speak or trust Self.
Sometimes the exile needs to be retrieved from the traumatic situation before any other work can be done. It's important to check with the exile if this is what they themselves want, rather than that desire coming from caretaking parts of us.
Client doesn't know what they feel towards the part or feels nothing
The cornerstone of IFS is checking for Self energy with the question "How do you feel towards the part?". If a client doesn't know what they feel or feels nothing, there may be a part present that is blocking Self energy. That's our cue to get curious whether a part like this is present and see if we can understand this part's concerns and address them.
These blocking parts are often subtle and might not want to communicate with us. If this happens, we can spend time fleshing out the part more, focusing on what types of sensations, energy or visual images it is giving us. At this point I find that it's helpful to for both me and the client to check if there any parts present that are wanting to make faster progress and ask those parts to relax back. Slowing down and being with the blocking part with curiosity and openness is a crucial part of the work, as it's building a relationship between client’s Self and the part and a safe foundation for future work.
There may also be a part answering "I don't know". Sometimes our analytical or thinking parts are stumped by questions about feelings, as they're used to thinking their way through issues as a way of keeping feelings away. When we become aware of a thinking part, it is an opportunity for us to get to know that part better and start building trust with it.
Feeling neutral can also be a type of Self energy. If we feel a calm neutrality and openness, we're in Self, but if the feeling has a more constricted or blocking quality to it, we're blended with another part. One way to check for this is to ask our clients whether their heart is open towards the part we're trying to get to know.
Client doesn't like the question "How do you feel towards the part?"
For some people, the question "How do you feel towards the part" feels difficult. These are some alternative questions that I use sometimes:
Is your heart open or closed to this part?
What’s it like for you as you notice this part?
What emotions do you notice coming up for you?
Do you have a sense of how close you are to this part?
How are you reacting to being with this part?
What response do you notice towards the part?
Do you feel open towards this part?
What is your attitude towards this part?
What comes up in you when you notice this part?
What's happening inside as you notice this part?
Apart from these approaches, when I come across something that feels like a block or a challenge, what works best for me to is take a step back, return to Self and remind my parts that there is no where else we need to get to right now. I remind my parts that the most important work for both me and my client is to be with the parts that are showing up, right now in this moment.
