How to Be in Self: Finding Self-Energy in IFS
One of the most common questions people ask when learning about Internal Family Systems is: “How can I be in Self?”
A helpful way to imagine it is like the sun and the clouds. Self is like the sun, it is always there, steady and shining, but our parts can sometimes show up like clouds covering it. Even if the sky is full of clouds, the sun has not gone anywhere.
In the same way, Self is never lost. It is always present, even if at times it feels hidden behind our parts.
In this article, I will share some information about what Self is, why it matters, and some practices you can try for accessing Self.
Why Self Matters in IFS
IFS is built on a simple but profound truth: none of us are broken. We all have parts that carry burdens, and parts that have taken on extreme roles to protect us. But beneath all of that, we all have an innate Self.
Self is never damaged or burdened. It is the healing essence within us, the core presence that can bring compassion, clarity, and calm to every part of our inner world.
In IFS, the process is about learning how to access Self and, from a place of Self-energy, getting to know our protectors and ultimately helping our most vulnerable exiles to heal and unburden.
It is also important to know that Self is not only within us individually. In relationships, we can often sense the Self-energy of another person, and that too can be a healing presence that supports the work.
What Is Self in IFS?
In IFS, Self is the natural core of who you are. It is distinct from your parts that either try to protect you or carry pain from the past.
When you are in Self, you often feel qualities described as the 8 Cs:
Calm
Curiosity
Compassion
Confidence
Clarity
Courage
Creativity
Connectedness
I like to think of each person as having a unique mix of these qualities, and often one or two that they lead with. For example, some people lead with a lot of compassion and connection, while others lead with clarity and courage.
You might notice that there are a few “big C’s” in your system that feel most prominent, and that’s completely okay. This is part of why Self can feel a little different from one person to another.
Over time, you will also learn how Self tends to show up for you. For some people, it is more feeling-based, such as a sense of compassion or calm. For others, it feels more spiritual, like connecting to a larger awareness.
For some, it shows up also physically, through sensations like tingling, warmth, energy moving in the body, or a feeling of lightness.
For me, it helps to think of Self as a continuum. At times, you may feel only a drop of Self-energy available. At other times, there may be vast amounts of Self present, even a sense of transcendence.
You might be somewhere in between these two places a lot of the time – not blended but not one with everything either.
However, even a small amount of Self energy can shift how you relate to your parts, and once you connect with your parts with this drop of Self, you often start naturally accessing more Self energy.
Why Being in Self Matters
Our parts often carry stress, pain, or old protective strategies. These parts work hard to keep us safe, but they can also feel overwhelmed or stuck in old patterns.
It’s important to remember that parts are not bad, and being blended with parts is not anything bad either.
However, what brings change is Self-energy. Self is the steady presence that allows parts to feel safe enough to soften, share their stories, and eventually release their burdens.
There is a saying I love in the IFS world: our parts can help, but they cannot heal.
That is because only Self has the qualities that allow true healing to unfold. When Self is present, even in small amounts, parts no longer feel alone. Over time, this presence helps them unburden and find more freedom.
Practices for Being in Self
Pause and Notice
Take a slow breath and ask yourself: “What am I noticing inside right now?”
You might notice thoughts, feelings, or body sensations. You might even notice a part that feels critical or unsure about what you are doing.
That is important information. The practice is not about changing how you feel, but about beginning to recognise what is happening in your inner world. This way you can start getting a sense of parts that might be blocking your access to Self.
Ask, “How Do I Feel Toward This Part?”
When a thought or emotion shows up, try asking: “How do I feel toward this part of me that is feeling/thinking X?”
If you feel any of the 8 Cs such as curiosity, openness, or compassion, that is a sign of Self. If frustration, criticism or urgency shows up, that points to another part, which you can notice and acknowledge.
Unblending
In IFS, the most common way to access Self is by unblending from parts. You notice what parts are present and then gently ask them for space. You might invite them to:
Relax back
Step to the side
Sit beside you
Pull back some of their energy from your body
Wait in another place or room
Sometimes parts will shift right away, and sometimes they will not, and that’s okay. The important thing is asking respectfully and noticing if you begin to feel a little calmer, more curious, compassionate, or creative.
Conscious Blending
Another way some people access Self is through conscious blending. Instead of immediately asking a part for space, you first allow that part to blend with you in a mindful and intentional way.
For some protectors, this is what helps them feel heard and respected. By blending consciously, you give the part room to express something, communicate its fears, or simply let its feelings be known.
After that, it often becomes easier for the part to step back and allow more Self to come through. This approach will not feel right for everyone, but it can be a natural process in some systems.
If you notice that asking for space right away feels difficult, or the part doesn’t want to unblend, it may help to first give it this kind of attentive space through conscious blending.
Direct Connection to Self
Another approach is to access Self-energy more directly. Teachers like Loch Kelly offer guided meditations that invite people to rest in a sense of open awareness, which often resonates strongly with what we call Self in IFS.
Spiritual Traditions
Different spiritual traditions also point toward these pathways of accessing Self. In Kashmir Shaivism, practices often emphasise learning to directly access a sense of universal consciousness, which is similar to directly accessing Self.
In many Buddhist traditions, the practice is more about observing thoughts and feelings and gradually dis-identifying from them, which echoes unblending.
Unblending, conscious blending, and direct connection are all valid ways of accessing Self, and many people find that these approaches can complement each other.
Everyday Activities and Self Moments
Self-energy can also arise naturally through things we do in daily life. These can be powerful gateways into Self:
Movement – walking, yoga, stretching, dancing, or sports
Meditation – guided meditations, mindfulness, or breath practices
Music – listening, singing, or playing music
Art and creativity – drawing, painting, writing, or crafts
Spiritual practices – contemplation, prayer, ritual
Connecting with others – simply being around someone else in Self-energy can spark it in us
You may already know which of these open more Self-energy for you, or you may still be experimenting.
Either way, the key is to notice when you feel a little calmer, more curious, or more compassionate. These everyday “moments of Self” are valuable signs of Self showing up in your life.
Self and Self-Like Parts
One of the most important nuances in IFS is the difference between Self and self-like parts.
Self-like parts are protective parts that really want healing and often show up with the intention to help. Their motivation is good; they want to support the process, take care of exiles, or make sure healing “works.”
What distinguishes self-like parts from Self if that they always have an agenda. For example, they may:
Create a sense of urgency (“we need to fix this ASAP”)
Try to control the timeline of healing (“this part should be healed by now”)
Decide which parts are more or less important to focus on
Hold opinions about what healing should look like in the end
Try to speak for our exiles
The only agenda Self has is a wish for all parts to eventually find healing, without urgency, hierarchy, or control. Self brings patience, compassion, and openness that allows parts to unfold in their own time.
The irony is that while self-like parts want healing, when they take over they can block access to Self. But relating to them from Self can be the very first step toward change.
When you meet these parts with curiosity and compassion, they slowly begin to trust Self. Over time, they learn that they do not need to run the healing process, but that they can relax back and allow Self to lead, while they show up in a supportive, collaborative way.
A Gentle Reminder
Accessing Self does not mean you will always feel calm, wise, or perfectly centred. It is about allowing space for all your inner experiences with openness. Even a single drop of Self-energy can shift how you relate to your parts.
Over time, as your parts experience Self as steady and trustworthy, your access to Self will deepen, and healing becomes possible.
